I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
