About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
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