At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Drunk is not a location!
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
