he puts the penis in happiness.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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