i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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