if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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