If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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