You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize