I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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