The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
