she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
