Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I stole a fireplace last night.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
