I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
