Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
