My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
