I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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