he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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