At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Randomize
