i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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