i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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