My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
