I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
