smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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