ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
