I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
