so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
