never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
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