dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
