The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
