I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Randomize
