Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
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