he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
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