smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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