You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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