its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
