Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
