she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
