mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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