There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
