I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
