When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
