piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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