Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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