ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
