Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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