just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
