the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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