I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
