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• (248): View more from Michigan

  so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?

  (248): View more from Michigan

  oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.

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• (920): View more from Wisconsin

  I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.

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• (509): View more from Washington

  My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?

  (541): View more from Oregon

  It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.

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• (415): View more from California

  I'll probably hate you when I'm sober

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• (479): View more from Arkansas

  When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.

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• (586): View more from Michigan

  Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes

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• (415): View more from California

  Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.

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• (615): View more from Tennessee

  other than the jail part I had a really good time with you

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• (567): View more from Ohio

  I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.

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• (360): View more from Washington

  Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.

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• (269): View more from Michigan

  Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business

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• (205): View more from Alabama

  At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit

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• (704): View more from North Carolina

  three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'

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• (678): View more from Georgia

  It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.

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• (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken

  (1+44): View more from

  ...What??

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