I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
