I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
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