just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
