I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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