The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
