I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize