I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
