i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
