Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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